Son versus Adopted Son - RRRGGGHHH!!!

I can't seem to shake something. Every so often someone says something inappropriate or I read something that I find offensive regarding adoption. Most of the time I can just brush it off and chalk it up to ignorance or whatever and I see it as a teaching opportunity. But sometimes these things just resignate with me.....

Yesterday I had to update my personal information in a database at work. This included things like address, doctor info, emergency contacts etc. There is also a page on children. I typed in Alex's name and DOB and then I clicked on the drop-down arrow after that. The choices were as follows:

-Adopted Daughter
-Adopted Son
-Daughter
-Son
-Foster Daughter
-Foster Son
-Stepdaughter
-Stepson

WHAT??????!!!!!! Seriously?!

This is not the first time I've run into this. 1st there was when we were trying to add Alex to our insurance prior to bringing him home. I called our insurance company and, being all excited and wanted to brag about our new blessing, I told them we were adopting and bringing home our son the next day. I got the run around, transferred several times and then finally disconnected. All bc they didn't know how to handle adding a child who was coming to us thru adoption. I was so frustrated, so when I called back I simply said that I needed to add our son to our insurance. That was so much easier and my request was immediately fulfilled. Ridiculous.

The 2nd time happened last year when I was changing our insurance coverage through the automative system at work. There was a section to list family members who would be covered under the new policy. You had to put their name and then chose the title from a drop-down box. Once again for child, it had all the options above.

It just irritates me bc there is NO REASON why that distinction is necessary. I know that I can just select "son" and leave it at that. But it just doesn't sit well with me. Yes, we adopted Alex. But he is OUR SON. I can't imagine any reason why the option of "adopted child" is even there. It can't be for a legal reason bc legally he is our son. It just goes against the positive adoptive language that we all know is right.....For instance it is appropriate to say that we adopted Alex, or that he WAS adopted, but is is not appropriate to say that he IS adopted. He IS our son! I can't help but think that the distinction alludes that a child that was adopted is not equal to a biological child; that they are on different levels or something. I have also seen this on the other end - on news programs and even at work, when a parent is introduced or described as the adoptive parents, rather than just parent. Why is that distinction necessary? My fear is that someday Alex is going to be faced with that option and what that communicates to him. Maybe only parents that have been blessed with a child thru adoption can understand. But this is just wrong! And I plan on bringing this to someone's attention.

Changed my mind about Find My Family

I was a fan of the "Find My Family" show....initially. But I have to say I am very disappointed with the way ABC decided to present these searches.....the language they use and the focus is offensive to adoptive families. And I am saying this as an adoptive mom who knows the value of my son's birth family, who sees his birth family as an extended part of our family(even though we don't know them all) and will support him if he chooses to find or have a relationship with them. While I believe in the premise of the show, I think ABC could have done a much better job at presenting it in a way that is respective to both the birth and adoptive families, as well as the children/adult adoptees involved. There's my final 2 cents ;-)

ABC's Find My Family

When I 1st heard about this show I wasn't sure what to think of it. AFter watching it for the 1st time last week, I have to say that OVERALL. I think they did a good job at NOT being offensive to either birth or adoptive parents. The fact that, in our case, AJ has another family is just that - a FACT. It is not something that we are threatened by or feel insure about. We have a semi-open adoption with his birthmom and hope that one day he may even have a relationship with her and his other birth family. His birth family is a part of who he is - and the way we see it is they are an extended part of our family. From what I've seen so far, none of the adult adoptees were looking to replace their family, just connect with their first families, help get answers etc. That's not a bad thing. Adoptive parents have to feel secure in their role and know that they are "mom" and "dad". If AJ wants to search out his birth family one day, we will be there by his side to help him. ABC just has to be careful in some of the language they use so as to be less offensive to all viewers. Just my two cents.....

Life is Good

Life sure is good! Busy, but good. Wonderful, actually.

We went on vacation in November. First we went to Florida to visit with Jay's dad and step-mom. AJ got to open his 1st Christmas presents for this year. His grandparents wanted to be able to enjoy seeing him get their gifts. This part of our vacation was exactly what we needed - we got lots of rest and a chance to catch up AJ's grandparents. It was really wonderful.

Then we all went to Disney, which was also wonderful. Well, except for the fact that Jay got REALLY sick for a couple of days. Still, he was a trooper and we all had a good time. At 1st, AJ was not a big fan of the characters. Well, I take that back. He LOVED seeing them from afar and would get so excited and point and yell. But the 1st time he met Mickey he kinda whacked him in the face. And at Chef Mickey's Character breakfast, as soon as they approached him, this is what we got:

Soon we realized that if we approached the characters 1st, AJ was MUCH better with them. So for the rest of the vacation, that is what we did. And we got much better pics:

After a couple of days in Orlando the 3 of us went on our very 1st cruise. It was a Disney cruise to the Bahamas. Despite the fact that the weather could have been a bit better and the water a bit more calm (especially that 1st night!) it was a wonderful experience. We really enjoyed ourselves and watching AJ explore and dance and experience the ship.

AJ was absolutely wonderful on the entire vacation. He even did really well on the plane. We really are so blessed to have such an easy going baby - although our "baby" is growing up. Even as I typed "baby" I reconsidered typing "son" or "kid" instead. I will say that once we got back from vacation, AJ changed a bit. He is MUCH more independent now, which is fun to see, but also makes me sad too. He no longer holds my finger when I pick him up from daycare. And he sorta walks around like Mr. Big Shot now ;-) Still, he is VERY free with his hugs and kisses which I soak up! I hope those don't stop anytime soon (or EVER!).

We closed on our house when we returned from vacation and while it's going to be awhile until it is exactly how we want it, it already feels like home. AJ and the dogs seem to really like having more space to run around and play. And Jay and I love not being so crammed anymore. I can't wait for our whole family to be able to gather for holidays and get togethers. And I look forward to kids' parties, sleepovers, fires outside, etc. And yes, I did say "kids" - plural. Someday we hope to adopt again. The day that we start that process is getting closer.

Like I said - LIFE IS GOOD!

Life has taken over

WOW. It's been a long time since I posted. When I opened the page and saw the pics of Alex at the top of this blog I realized how much he has grown - those pics definitely need to be updated! 1st, I need to find some to actually do that ;-)

Why so busy???

Well, we are moving this weekend into our new house :-) We are excited but getting ready for the move, coordinating the closings and getting everything packed etc has been extremely time-consuming. And now that Jay is back working (since Oct 1) our schedules have become more crazy, especially during the week.

We also got a new puppy, Annie. She is a real sweetie and a great companion for Buddy. But she is a puppy nonetheless. Which means lots of pee/poop accidents and furniture surfing and barking/howling/whining and getting up in the middle of the night to let her out etc!!!! I swear - she is preparing us for another baby ;-)

But let's get back to Alex - he is doing great! He had some difficulty adjusting to being back in daycare, but he is doing so much better now. My favorite part of every work day now is when I go to pick him up and his face lights up and he comes "running" towards me. Then with his milk cup in one hand, and my finger in his other, we walk out of daycare to the car. He likes to take his time getting to the car, but I don't mind. I love that walk with hijm holding onto my finger the whole time. That Mommy pride just rushes thru me and I can't help but smile - no matter what kinda day I had at work, or what mess I am about to get home to - those precious moments leaving daycare with him make up for all of it!

Some of Alex's recent "developments":

- He LOVES Happy Feet and dances along with those silly penguins
- He does this cute new smile that involves squinting his eys and showing off
his teeth (see below)
- Speaking of teeth - he currently has 8 teeth - but they are all spread out thru
out his mouth - weird, but cute!
- He grunts and points at everything like a caveman
- He likes swimming on his belly in the tub
- Much to my disgust - he LOVES opening his mouth wide to receive doggy kisses
- Speaking of kisses - he is very generoius with his kisses - both blowing them and
actual slobbery ones. But the cutest is this - the other day totally out of the
blue he leaned forward and kissed me on my cheek - talk about melting my heart!
- He no longer needs his binky at naptime
- He can catch his footbal prety consistently now
- He is getting better at feeding himself
- He sleeps in a cot at daycare and sits at a table in an actual chair for lunch and
snacks there
- He now claps his hands AND stomps his feet AND puts his hands up to shout hooray
during "If You're Happy and You Know it"
- At his 15 month appt he was 21 lbs 6 oz (12%) 31.5 inches tall (65%). Long and
lean!

Side story - Yesterday the director at Alex's daycare said to me "You know, do you ever get that he looks like you thru here?" as she pointed to Alex's cheek-mouth-chin area. I quickly responded that no, I never hear that he looks like me, and that he is much more beautiful than I am ;-) But I gotta say - it was sorta irritating to me bc I've had some other encounters with this woman b4 around the topic of Alex and adoption etc and she usually says pretty inappropriate things. Not that saying that he looks like me is inappropriate, but given our previous encounters, I get the feeling that she is trying to come to terms with adoption and trying to feel more comfortable with it etc. I'm not sure how to explain it. It's as if she thinks it solidifies our bond if we look like each other. But c'mon! Alex is a blonde-haired blue eyed boy and I am pretty much the opposite of that! And you know what? - I am TOTALLY ok with that. We adopted him. He did not come from our genes, from my belly. And that is OK. In fact that is more than "OK" - that is wonderful and beautiful and something we are very, very proud of. Appearance similarities are not what makes a family a family. It's not what creates the bond. And I guess I had that "AH-HA" moment after my covnersation with this woman at daycare. The thing is when anyone considers adoption one of the things they have to consider is letting go of that biological connectedness - Jay and I, like any married couple, had talked about how our kids will be a blend of me and him, and how cute they would be with Jay's eyes and my hair etc. And when we decided to adopt, we had to let go of that possibility. And we did. But now I realize that not only did we let go of it, we embraced it. And so ironically, when this woman felt the need to find a physical simiilarity btn me and Alex, it irritated me. We don't look anything alike - and I don't need to feign a biological connection to him. Alex and I have a bond so tight and that bond is not based on looks, but on our hearts. Which makes sense since that is where he grew in me ;-)